Another Life Lesson

This is a post that's more for me than anyone else. Something I want to remember and be able to go back and read later on. The six months between May and November last year were challenging for me.

I love teaching. I knew at a young age that I wanted to be a teacher. In college, I never doubted it or considered changing my major. There was one year that my class was so bad I considered leaving education and never looking back. Other than that I love teaching and have worked at some good schools with great faculty. But the one thing I've always wanted more than being a teacher is being a stay at home mom.

Jake was born in February and that was a mountain top experience for me in so many ways. Jared was finishing up graduate school and getting ready to graduate. I thought for sure that when he graduated he would have a job and I would be able to stay home with Jake and just never go back from maternity leave. But that was NOT God's plan and I did not and still do not know why. I struggled with it.

Then the summer came and went and Jared started his internship which was wonderful but not enough for me to stay home. So I went back to work again and put Jake with a baby sitter for the first time. She is wonderful but it was the first time he wasn't with one of us.

I really, really struggled with having to continue working. I know that God has called the man to be the head of the house and the provider for the family. For us, we had always planned for me to stay home to nurture, raise, and discipline our children. We'd planned and prepared for it since we got married. Why was God not providing the full time job?

I battled and struggled and fought with this for so long. I talked with Jared about it. We talked with my parents about it. I told my dad that I knew in my head that God had a plan and would take care of us but in my heart I felt abandoned and forgotten. I could not get the two to meet.

Then we were sitting in Sunday school one morning and our teacher (who is the husband of Jake's babysitter) made a comment that was a turning point for me. He was talking about faith. Even the demons believe in God and tremble. But they don't trust. They don't ACTIVELY put their confidence and hope in Him.

That was me. Knowing in my head and not in my heart. Having faith but not truly believing and trusting. God used that to speak to me. I started praying for my faith. Not for Jared's job. Not for me to come home. Not for me to understand. I just started praying for faith. Active, unwavering, full confidence that God had a plan and was working it out. I prayed and fasted that I would be truly joyful and content in my situation even though it wasn't what I wanted. That my joy and satisfaction would come from Christ alone. Finally, after a while the peace came. The trust that I was where I was supposed to be for the time was there. I could leave my baby at the sitter and not cry. I could get to work and smile and enjoy the day and not feel guilty for not being at home.

THEN and only then did God begin to work in our circumstances. Just like making a decision about graduate school and whether to go to Wake Forest or Vanderbilt, when I finally got out of the way and stopped pushing my plans and my agenda God began to work.

After my submission to months of battling and playing tug of war with God, less than a month later Jared had a job. A good job. One that allowed me to turn in my resignation and come home to be with our baby full time.

I know God took us through that for a reason. I don't know if Jared got the job and I got to come home because my time at work was done and I'd done what God had planned for me to do. Or if I finally got out of the way and God started working. But either way I learned a lesson. Active faith. True trust. Genuine belief.

This was my verse to hold to. My promise to lean on. The starting point for my active trust. "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen. It gives us assurance about what we cannot see." Hebrews 11:1

I know I will fall short many more times but I hope the lesson that I've learned from the six month battle with God will forever impact and change who I am. As always, God is good!